Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
