People with herpes should wear stickers.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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