WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
