I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
