I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
