I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
