I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My penis needs a shock collar
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Randomize
