i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
