so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy