I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.