Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
did you just send me my own nude
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm really busy with my period
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