I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
