I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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