dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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