Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
