Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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