at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
