How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
