This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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