You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
