I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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