I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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