im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
