yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
