i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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