I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My feet surprised me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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