Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
