Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
