If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
