I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
