OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
