saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
