Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
