Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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