You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
