You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
