Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
