wanna go halves on a baby?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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