i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
