Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
