So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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