anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
