whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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