My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
