I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
