Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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