I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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