You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
