She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
