Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
