Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
