someone owes me an orgasm
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
