Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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