Your dad touched me again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
try to milk me bitch
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