Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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