just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
