My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You are the jesus of drinking
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
