Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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