Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
