I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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