Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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